I’ve taken a pretty apparent hiatus from writing here and being online in general – not on purpose. in early December, some things came to light and happened in my personal life that honestly devastated me. I never expected to feel this much pain – and when faced with personal pain, I always thought I’d be strong enough to bounce back easily.
this experience has proven me wrong.
at the same time, I am learning – in the hardest way possible – some important things. I’m learning about my limitations and negative tendencies as a partner and friend. I am learning about the deep challenges of my 7-ness (enneagram) – my tendency to avoid pain and hardship at all cost, and how sometimes, I have to sit in the middle of it and fully feel this pain to know what my heart really wants.
it has not been easy and it’s still not easy. weeks later, I am at a point where I can get out of bed, but it’s not easy. I can eat, but it’s not easy and I have to make it happen. I can work, but I struggle to be with people very much. I can sleep – with the aid of some medication.
I’m not a pro. in some areas, I am a novice, and I am still learning. I suppose the most important thing is that I accept it, and welcome it, and start from scratch anywhere I can.
there are things I honestly don’t know how to face right now. I have moments of clarity when I truly feel that this is a turning point – when I have a true chance to burn away the old and negative, and build something gorgeous and holy. there are others when I think I am never going to make it out of this labyrinth of shit, when I feel like I’ll be angry and hurt forever.
I know that what matters now is the choices I make – the choices we make are what define us. I don’t want to give up on what means so much to me, but I refuse to be weak forever.
I know what I am worth. I know what I can do and be. I know it means a lot of self-exploration, facing the ugly, and changing.
I have been surprised, in a sad way, that some of the people I expected to care and reach out to me during this time have been so silent. that was/is depressing, and I hope it doesn’t mean I have other lessons to learn in those areas.
but, on the other hand, I am really grateful to several of you who have checked in often, given selflessly, encouraged me, and asked me to start writing and sharing again. each time, I initially said that I just can’t share or give or anything from a sort of shattered place, only to have you guys tell me that maybe this is exactly when I should share. maybe you’re right. maybe this is the time I need to let it flow and share what helps.
going to do my best to be more present now, and not as buried….
and in that vein, I very much hoping this is true for me and others in 2017…..