here’s a true thing.


the more I devote myself to being my best self
and at the same time,
love someone
but without expectation of them returning my love
….the more I am beginning to love that person even more than before.

strange, but true.



I am 34 years old.  and I am still actively learning about friendship.

I am totally going to paraphrase and oversimplify this with no specifics/details, but this was an exchange that happened today.

me: here’s a note/image about your enneagram type to help you be a better you

friend: hmm, that is helpful, thank you

(we discuss how to apply it)

me: here’s the same thing, but for my type.  it frustrates me because it’s hard.

friend: (proceeds to quickly draw/doodle a visual explanation for me of how it happens with me and how to do it better)  here you go, this should help

me: I am still kinda stuck

friend: (proceeds to spend a full hour drawing a mini-book to help me understand and process this) how about now?

me: HOLY SHIT THIS IS AMAZING and I can’t believe you illustrated all this for me.  and it should be shared.  and yes, it does help!
*has idea*
you are very good at explaining things this way.  perhaps I should buy you a sketchbook/journal for MY DOODLES only for stuff we talk about/experience so I can keep it forever.

friend: I am totally down with that!

me: that’s a lot of work. I should pay you.

friend: I mean, I’m a damn artist, I’d accept that.  you could also pay me in kind, with your gifts and skills and passions. help me where I have needs.  “WHICH I THINK IS WHAT FRIENDSHIP IS. I DUNNO.”

*light bulbs come on*

me: holy crap you’re right. we’re giving from our own selves/passions/gifts/skills, and receiving something we both need in the process of being better selves.  I THINK WE JUST CRACKED THE CODE OF FRIENDSHIP.

friend: tells me stuff she could use help with in life

me: dude, I totally got you.  I got skillz.  and I’ll use ’em.  I proceed to tell her stuff I need help with

friend: yes. this is good stuff. I can help.  except this one thing you mentioned that I am truthfully not very good at.

me: glad you’re honest.  wanna have spaghetti friday?

friend: yes.


we then proceeded to figure out my spirit animal and failed.
oh, well.  win some.

thinking about it, this entire exchange was weirdly profound because…

(a) how often do we just tell someone what we need, and ask for help, -and-
(b) how often do they willingly and in a non-bragging way, say “I know I have ______ strengths that could help and I totally will offer them.” -and-
(c) (because this is still important) can we tell people lovingly what we’re not good at?  not try to be everything for everyone?


turning this over in my mind/heart/gut today.  ♥️🙏🏻🤔
p.s. I might have to made edits to this post because she will read it and find all the inaccuracies, cause it’s what she does.  and THAT IS OK.

love life status.

I am writing this mainly for myself so I can keep looking back & being reminded. but also, some of my tribe members can support me in this, I am sure.

at this time in my life…

I am learning to take a softer stance, surrender, have an open heart.  To let others take the lead, and see what happens when I don’t control things.  Gives others a chance to step up.  I know I may feel anxious about commitments & need to NOT push too hard.

In general, this is relationship slowdown time for me…taking steps back, repairing rifts, making sure my heart is really in things.

but this slowdown & review is allowing me to break down intimacy barriers – to process trust issues, old hurts, fears.  I am learning how to not project the past onto the future.

I know I can speak up, and that the risks I take with my heart will be rewarded.  it’s a time my love life can be rebuilt, reborn.


right now via Goddess Oracle card reading

so, it’s been a hard 6 months.  it’s still hard.  but I am trying to move back into what feeds my soul.

and I felt like writing this out, probably to process it for myself better.  gemini and all….

in our most recent new moon circle, I pulled two oracle cards….these two.


our circle theme was intuition, and during this Cancer cycle, it’s all about connecting to our emotions, letting the internal waters flow, listening to that womb wisdom.

and when I tap into that….I hear from Amaterasu:
“look in this mirror.  you are beautiful, and changing, and growing more beautiful.  and it’s time to feel this more.”  this is hard for me to accept sometimes because I feel like I should be more fit, or more desirable. 

and from Pele, I hear:
“there is so much in you to awaken to.  these fires deep in you are stirring, and there will come a point where they blaze out…not in an uncontrolled frightening way, but in a purifying and inspiring one.”  this is just a little scary, because, I mean…fire and shit.

there are some other thoughts that trusted friends have given me intuitively and they’re here in my mind as well…but for now, this is what came from my gut.  so I suppose…it just is.